RoastMySite.co.za
Before your customers ghost you, Let us Roast you.
We’ll call out every flaw in your Design, Speed, SEO, Security, Mobile, Content & Conversions — then hand you the fixes.
Only one of these could still be helping your business next year.
- 1 Send your sitePaste your URL
- 2 We roast itDesign, speed, SEO & security
- 3 Get your fix listClear, practical report
"The tool that roasts landing pages… got roasted by itself. Not a disaster — genuinely good bones — but we found 15 holes in our own shoes and published every one. Turns out we're the cobbler's children: nice website, holes in the shoes. Eish."
🇿🇦 Who Is This For?
Honestly? Pretty much anyone with a website.
You don't need to be struggling. You just need to be willing to hear the truth. Our audits are built for anyone who wants an honest, no-nonsense, genuinely useful look at their website — done in true Mzansi style, without the corporate fluff or the agency upsell.
Builders & Vibe Coders
You shipped the whole thing on battery backup, vibes, and one Red Bull during Stage 2 load shedding. The build works. The landing page still says "Hero Title Goes Here." Also: solopreneurs doing the strategy, design, support, and IT before 9am — we see you.
Startups & Side Hustlers
Your vision is bigger than Eskom's debt. Your pitch deck is fire. But someone Googles you and decides in 4 seconds — often while still building between the 9-to-5, the kids, and the braai on Sunday. Let's make sure the website keeps up with the dream.
SMEs & Growing Businesses
Built it when load shedding was "just Stage 2." Been meaning to fix it since December. Your competitors didn't wait for December. Get an honest audit for less than a Nando's quarter chicken meal — with chips this time.
E-Commerce & Online Stores
Every confusing checkout step, every page that loads slower than the Home Affairs queue, and every missing trust badge is a sale that quietly left for your competitor. We find every leak — in plain language, no R20,000 consulting invoice required.
Creators & Personal Brands
Your TikToks are doing numbers. Your WhatsApp status gets more views than most TV shows. Then someone clicks your bio link and lands on... that. Your reputation is doing serious work — your website should match it.
Corporate & Enterprise
You have an 84-page brand guidelines PDF, a website committee that meets quarterly, and a homepage nobody has looked at honestly since Zuma was still trending. We'll give you the feedback your agency was too polite — and too expensive — to give.
The only thing you need is a website and the ability to take a bit of honest feedback. We do the rest — in true Mzansi style. No corporate fluff. No agency upsell. Just the truth.
FAQ
Trust Issues? Before You Panic
Questions people usually ask before giving money to strangers on the internet.
What do I actually get?
You get an email report with burns, explanations, and fixes. Not just ‘improve UX’ and then we run away.
How long before the pain arrives?
Most reports arrive within 30 minutes, unless your site is hiding behind popups, errors, or behaving like Eskom’s schedule.
Is this a proper security audit?
It is a practical website risk review, not a formal penetration test. We highlight visible security signals, trust gaps, exposed technology, risky patterns, and issues that can affect customer confidence or create avoidable business risk. You get useful, prioritised recommendations in plain English. For regulated compliance, POPIA legal advice, or exploit-level testing, bring in a qualified specialist.
Do you need my logins?
No passwords. No admin access. We judge what your visitors can already see, like everyone else on the internet.
Can I roast a client’s site?
Only if you have permission. Don’t be that oke sending enemies into the braai.
What if the report pulls a disappearing act?
Check spam first, because email providers also have trust issues. If it’s still missing, email support@roastmysite.co.za with the checkout email.