We started a business that insults websites.
For their own good.
RoastMySite.co.za exists for South African founders who'd rather hear the truth from us than the silence from their customers.
Here's the thing nobody tells you about your website: nobody tells you anything about your website. Your friends say "looks great, boet." Your designer invoiced you, so obviously it's perfect. And your visitors? They don't complain — they just leave. Quietly. Mid-scroll. Somewhere between your auto-playing slideshow and the contact form asking for their blood type.
Meanwhile, you're pumping money into ads, sending perfectly good traffic to a page that loads like it's on hotel Wi-Fi and greets people with a paragraph about how passionate you are about synergy.
So we built the thing we wished existed: an audit that actually tells you what's wrong — clearly, specifically, and with enough humour that you'll actually read past page one. Because a 40-page PDF of corporate findings gets filed. A roast gets read, laughed at, screenshotted, and fixed.
We check what a real customer experiences: clarity, trust signals, mobile usability, speed, calls to action, basic SEO and visible security — through the eyes of a South African buyer with limited patience and even more limited data.
Honesty is a love language.
The kindest thing we can do for your business is point at the leak before your ad budget falls through it. Flattery is free everywhere else.
Funny gets fixed.
A finding you laugh at is a finding you remember. A finding you remember is a finding you fix. Comedy isn't the gimmick — it's the delivery mechanism.
Every roast must come with a recipe.
Criticism without a fix is just noise with confidence. Every finding in every report ships with a plain-English action you can take this week — no consultant required.
Built for South Africa.
Local pricing in rand, local payment via Paystack, and feedback written for the market you actually sell to — load-shedding jokes included at no extra charge.
Meet Springboy
Our Roastmaster. Flaming hat, dark shades, zero chill — he tears into your website so your customers don't have to (quietly, by leaving). Proudly Mzansi, professionally brutal.
// The fine print, in plain language
Reports are AI-assisted guidance based on your website's publicly visible signals — not legal, financial, or professional security advice. If you need a lawyer, accountant, or penetration tester, hire one. Please don't ask a roast to wear a suit.
Ready to hear what your visitors won't tell you?
The Roastmaster is warmed up. Your website is, statistically speaking, not ready.
Roast My Site 🔥