“Your site sells SEO audits, but your H1 is a JavaScript typewriter animation that search engine crawlers might never see. That's like a mechanic with a Ferrari that won't start.”
Our own audit — finding #1 Fixed ✓
RoastMySite.co.za
Before your customers ghost you, Let us Roast you.
We’ll call out every flaw in your Design, Speed, SEO, Security, Mobile, Content & Conversions — then hand you the fixes.
The Roast Value Meter
Only one of these could still be helping your business next year.
How it works — easy as 1 · 2 · 3
- 1 Send your sitePaste your URL
- 2 We roast itDesign, speed, SEO & security
- 3 Get your fix listClear, practical report
1 Paste the website we must judge
Paste the URL first. Then add your email and choose a package.
Please enter a valid website URL
2 Where must we send the evidence?
Please enter your name
Please enter a valid email address
We'll email your report, plus a short series of follow-up tips. Unsubscribe anytime — one click, no guilt trip.
3 Choose your roast package
Follow-up? Enter ref for 40% off:
The Roast Guarantee
If your paid roast doesn't surface at least 5 real, fixable issues,
we re-roast it or refund you. One email. No forms. No “let me speak to the manager.”
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🇿🇦 Who Is This For?
Honestly? Pretty much anyone with a website.
You don't need to be struggling. You just need to be willing to hear the truth. Our audits are built for anyone who wants an honest, no-nonsense, genuinely useful look at their website — done in true Mzansi style, without the corporate fluff or the agency upsell.
Builders & Vibe Coders
You shipped the whole thing on battery backup, vibes, and one Red Bull during Stage 2 load shedding. The build works. The landing page still says "Hero Title Goes Here." Also: solopreneurs doing the strategy, design, support, and IT before 9am — we see you.
Startups & Side Hustlers
Your vision is bigger than Eskom's debt. Your pitch deck is fire. But someone Googles you and decides in 4 seconds — often while still building between the 9-to-5, the kids, and the braai on Sunday. Let's make sure the website keeps up with the dream.
SMEs & Growing Businesses
Built it when load shedding was "just Stage 2." Been meaning to fix it since December. Your competitors didn't wait for December. Get an honest audit for less than a Nando's quarter chicken meal — with chips this time.
E-Commerce & Online Stores
Every confusing checkout step, every page that loads slower than the Home Affairs queue, and every missing trust badge is a sale that quietly left for your competitor. We find every leak — in plain language, no R20,000 consulting invoice required.
Creators & Personal Brands
Your TikToks are doing numbers. Your WhatsApp status gets more views than most TV shows. Then someone clicks your bio link and lands on... that. Your reputation is doing serious work — your website should match it.
Corporate & Enterprise
You have an 84-page brand guidelines PDF, a website committee that meets quarterly, and a homepage nobody has looked at honestly since Zuma was still trending. We'll give you the feedback your agency was too polite — and too expensive — to give.
The only thing you need is a website and the ability to take a bit of honest feedback. We do the rest — in true Mzansi style. No corporate fluff. No agency upsell. Just the truth.
Real roast, real burns
We roasted our own site and published every word
We're new. Rather than quote strangers you can't verify, here are three findings our own AI wrote about this website — then we fixed them and the score went 7 → 8.
“No HSTS header. No CSP header. No X-Content-Type-Options. Your security posture is like leaving your front door wide open while telling the neighbourhood you're a security company.”
Our own audit — finding #4 Fixed ✓“The logo has alt="" — screen readers get silence where your brand lives. For a service that promises to 'find the leaks,' you've got a leak of your own.”
Our own audit — finding #2 Fixed ✓FAQ
Trust Issues? Before You Panic
Questions people usually ask before giving money to strangers on the internet.
What do I actually get?
You get an email report with burns, explanations, and fixes. Not just ‘improve UX’ and then we run away.
How long before the pain arrives?
Most reports arrive within 30 minutes, unless your site is hiding behind popups, errors, or behaving like Eskom’s schedule.
Is this a proper security audit?
It is a practical website risk review, not a formal penetration test. We highlight visible security signals, trust gaps, exposed technology, risky patterns, and issues that can affect customer confidence or create avoidable business risk. You get useful, prioritised recommendations in plain English. For regulated compliance, POPIA legal advice, or exploit-level testing, bring in a qualified specialist.
Do you need my logins?
No passwords. No admin access. We judge what your visitors can already see, like everyone else on the internet.
Can I roast a client’s site?
Only if you have permission. Don’t be that oke sending enemies into the braai.
What if the report pulls a disappearing act?
Check spam first, because email providers also have trust issues. If it’s still missing, email support@roastmysite.co.za with the checkout email.